Not Afraid To Admit Defeat

My sister-in-law linked to a blog today that gave blogging tips. I gained great insight into the world of blogging. But more importantly, I stumbled across a post that seemed to have come straight from heaven onto my computer screen. It said EXACTLY what I have been thinking and feeling for the last few months. Please, before you read any more of my post, go read this post. Now.

NO! Go read it first!!!!

Okay. Now that you've read it, I can go on. I could have said every single thing she said. The anxiety, stress, fear of offending...I have it all.

So here's the thing. I am a MAJOR people pleaser. Like, no one knows just how bad it is. I have thought back through my childhood and dissected every aspect of it and tried to figure out what causes this obsessive need for people to like--no, LOVE me.

Also, I am a comment fiend. Yes, we all love comments. But I live and breathe comments. It's sad, really.

Hence, my temporary loss of sanity. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I knew, even as I wrote it, that it was insane, and I was setting myself up for major failure. But I was so willing to try if it meant more comments. And it did. And I loved it. You have no idea how much I loved it. But within the first day I was already behind on blogs, and I would never catch up. And with each new comment I only had more blogs to add to my reader, knowing I was running a race I would never finish.

Now, I go into my reader, see that triple digit number of posts to read and shake my head in defeat. I read my closest family members' and a few blogs that make me laugh, and that's on a good day. With every "mark all as read" I feel a little lighter. Every time that slider bar shrinks a smidgen, I feel closer to success. But it's never enough.

And this was BEFORE I got a job. A job that requires me to be on the computer, writing.

I am also trying to write a novel. (Have I mentioned this before?) This puts me at my computer, writing.

Also, I'm gonna go ahead and admit this, my favorite part about blogging is posting. Not reading other blogs, not commenting, but posting. I love it. I am a writer and I thrive on writing whatever the heck I want and knowing people will read it and possibly tell me what they think of it. It's a high that I'm not ashamed to say I'm addicted to.

All of this, and a family, which sadly, should not have come after the other stuff. And a house. And what I kid myself into believing is a social life. And a church calling. And tv shows to watch. And hobbies that I still consider hobbies even though I don't do them.

But still, all...the...comments.........

And I promised everyone.............

And now I'll look like a complete loser going back on my word............

But it's not physically possible. Blogging is supposed to be fun, not stressful. And right now it's oh so stressful for me. I tried, I really tried. So, if my, comments take a major hit, I guess that's the price for enjoying blogging again, stress-free. I will still read whenever I can, and comment when I can, but it probably won't be much at all. Maybe you'll keep reading my blog because you enjoy it. Maybe you'll even comment because you love me. And if not, I'll deal with it. Or my therapist will.