TEN THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN
ACCEPTING YOUR OSCAR


1. Don't be a weepy, crying mess

2. At least attempt to sound like you didn't memorize your speech.

3. Don't forget to thank your husband
(who is watching, bawling like a baby as you
stand and thank everyone else down to the caterer.)

4. Don't assume for one second that holding that statue
makes us care what your political views are.

5. Avoid sounding like you were preordained by God
to win your Oscar

6. Don't play the race card.
It just makes everyone squirm in their padded velvet seats.

7. Although it can be extremely tempting and instinctive upon
hearing your name called,
avoid jumping across the tops of the
occupied seats on your way to the stage at all costs.

8. Don't out your favorite high school teacher on national television.

9. Winning an Oscar does not make you the "king of the world."

1. Always remember that what you say in your speech will be recorded,
and probably picked apart, mocked, and ridiculed.
Choose words accordingly.